I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Can Purell be used as lube?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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