fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
this hospital has no fireball
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
