Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
