how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
