I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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