She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
