3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
