I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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