i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
NoShamevember. You game?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
