I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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