i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize