If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
