Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
