awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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