I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
