Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
