Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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