This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
