I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
