Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
