i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
