Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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