3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
