Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
