GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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