Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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