The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
