Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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