I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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