I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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