dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
only you would photoshop your dick
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
