saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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