Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
