Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I sprained my soul last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
