Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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