i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
