if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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