Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
