My room smells like vodka and shame
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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