I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize