apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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