If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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