NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just want nice things and good sex
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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