I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
