No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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