I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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