I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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