Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
