I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
