I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
