Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
