I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
