it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
