the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
