I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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