there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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