the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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