u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
