i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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