if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
